Hamstuck

nightbaby asked bardfesterthroes: I LOVE YOY I LOVE YUIOU Y LOVE YOUU

And we love you too, the typos mean you are my soul twin. 

>THANK GOD THAT’S OVER

But not quite! 

Sadly, this fan adventure has been scuppered by the pressures of university and real life. 

HOWEVER 

This is not the end. 

It is not the beginning of the end.

It is the end

Of the beginning 

(sorry)

Look out for the next instalment of the ill advised attempt by a group of our favourite teens to stage the world’s best junior Hamlet, accompanied by much drunk groping, a greek chorus of eleven year olds, several flash backs, one ill advised mullet, three instances of projective vomiting, and two infected piercings, as presented in the form of narrative fiction.

Are you excited? We definitely are! 

Watch this space.

> OBJECT TO THIS CRUEL SULLYING OF YOUR FANTASY DREAM SEQUENCE

— open scriptlog —

CG: WHAT FUCKER PUT ON THIS AURAL DIARRHOEA

CG: I NEED TO SUFFOCATE HIM WITH HIS OWN FAILURE

[EXIT PURSUED BY ODOR OF VOMIT] 

>THANK GOD THAT’S OVER

>TAPE DECK: REVERSE PLAY

TO DIE, TO SLEEP - 

TO SLEEP, PERCHANCE TO DREAM - AYE THERE’S THE RUB

SO THOU HADST BETTER WAKE ME UP

BEFORE THOU GOETH GOETH

DO NOT LEAVE ME SUSPENDED LIKE A YOETH YOETH

> OBJECT TO THIS CRUEL SULLYING OF YOUR FANTASY DREAM SEQUENCE 

>ONWARD

I WRAPPED MINE HEART IN SOFTEST SILKS AND CONVEYED IT UNTO THEE

WITH THE TRUEST CONFESSIONS OF MY AMOROUS INTENT

VERILY I SPAKE WITH GUILELESS HONESTY

~ lying on top of each other ~

THOUGH NOW I FIND MYSELF THE COURT JAPESTER 

IT WOULD TAKE ONLY YOUR LIPS ON MINE TO ENSNARE ME ONCE AGAIN

THOU PUTTEST THE BOOM BOOM INTO MY HEART

THOU SENDETH MY SOUL SKY HIGH WHEN THY LOVING STARTS

>TAPE DECK: REVERSE PLAY

>ONWARDS

I HAVE KNOWNE THE SHARP TEETH AND ROUGH BARK OF THE HOUND THOUGH BESET ON MY HEART

THUSLY I SHY AWAY FROM AGAIN BROACHING THAT GUARDED GATE

YET STILL DOETH MINE EYE TURN UPON THY FACE

CONFESS UNTO ME MY TRUEST DARLING

HAST THINE EYE FOUND IN MY COUNTENANCE AN ANSWERING VOICE?

IF IT BE NOT SO, INDEED, ‘TIS A FULL SEASON’S TURN SINCE

I CANNOT FIND MYSELF TO BE SURPRISED

>ONWARD

>ONWARDS

LAST TWELFTH PEREGREE’S EVE I DID ENTRUST TO THEE

THE PHSYSIKAL EMBODIMENT OF THE SENTIMENTAL AND ROMANTIC FEELINGS WHICH I HELDE FOR THEE

BUT ALAS ON THE MORN DID YOU SPURN MY AFFECTIONS

AND CAST MY HEART TO SOME FACELESS UNKNOWN

THIS YEARE TO KEEP MY SOUL FROM THE DARKE TORMENT AND SALINE SHROWDE IT WORE BEFORE 

I SHALLE CHARGE MY SOFTEST VULNERABLE ASPECTS UNTO SOMEONE I TRUST TO BE BY MY TROTH

SPECIAL

>ONWARDS

>ESCAPE INTO FANTASY DREAM SEQUENCE

HOW LIKE A WINTER HATH THY ABSENCE BEEN

THOU ART MORE LOVELY AND MORE TEMPERATE

ROUGH WINDS DO SHAKE THE DARLING BUDS OF EGBERT

O THOU MY LOVELY BOY THY EYES ARE NOTHING LIKE THE SUN

LOVE IS NOT LOVE WHICH VOMITS WHEN IT VOMIT FINDS

OH EGBERT, EGBERT, WHEREFORE ART THOU EGBERT,

PALM TO RUBBER GLOVE IN HOLY PALMERS KISS,

O THAT THIS TOO, TOO SOLID FLESH WOULD MELT 

THAW AND RESOLVE ITSELF INTO THE SINK

BUT WHAT FREEZINGS I HAVE FELT, WHAT DARK DAYS SEEN

>ONWARDS

> YOU DON’T DO NO WASHING UP, BUT SADLY YOUR ACTIVITIES ARE CURRENTLY SINK RELATED

You are Karkat Vantas and you have your hand in a sink full of warm sick. It is your own sick, you can see chunks of the kebab you ate earlier floating in a sea of Irn Bru. The only consolation is that you were able to find a single yellow rubber glover under the sink amidst the shitty swords and nunchucks, and now a thin marigold line stands between your beautiful skin and the corrosive sludge of Scottish soda and compressed meat products. You are accompanied in your plight by your Horatio, your foil, the Morcombe to you Wise, the Orville to your Dean, your catching hypothermia up a Welsh Mountain during Forced School Bonding buddy, and fellow bunking rugby in the stock room nap participant.

— OPEN SCRIPTLOG —

CG: COCKING ARSE BOLLOCKS. 

EB: don’t be sad karkat!

EB: if you just keep wriggling your fingers i’m sure the drain will unblock soon.

CG: I THINK THE IRN BRU IS BURNING THROUGH THE GLOVE. I SWEAR THEY’RE GETTING THINNER.

EB: maybe try breaking up the lumps?

CG: BUGGER THAT FOR A GAME OF SOLDIERS. WHERE THE FUCK IS DAVE. IT’S HIS SINK. HE SHOULD CORRODE HIS OWN SKIN TO SAVE IT.

EB: but it’s your sick, karkat.

EB: it’s only fair that you scoop it out.

EB: at least some of it, cause the kebab’s really obvious and the rest of us only had chips.

CG: AUGH. I HOPE SERKET ACCIDENTALLY SETS FIRE TO THE CURTAINS PRETENDING TO SMOKE WEED AND THE WHOLE PLACE BURNS DOWN AND I SUFFOCATE TRAGICALLY IN A SUBURBAN KITCHEN. 

EB: but if that happens, when they find your body you’ll be dead in a sink of puke. 

CG: GOOD POINT. I’LL USE MY LAST BREATH TO DRAG MYSELF OVER TO THE FRIDGE AND I CAN DIE IN A PILE OF BEER FROM LIDL.

EB: that’s okay then.

EB: but really,

EB: you could just not do either of those things

EB: and feel my package instead!

CG: ………………………

CG: HANG ON WHAT.

EB: go on, feel my package, karkat!

EB: it’s so long and hard.

CG: IT’S JUST A THEORY, BUT I THINK THE IRN BRU FUMES MIGHT BE CAUSING ME TO HALLUCINATE. CAN I CHECK THAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY, IN THE KITCHEN OF A SHITTY TEEN SUBURBAN PARTY, ASKING ME TO TOUCH YOUR JUNK?

EB: i wouldn’t call it junk.

EB: i mean i don’t know what’s in it but i’m pretty sure no one would give me junk as a present.

CG: NO I’M COMPLETELY LOST HERE.

EB: my package! it arrived in the post this morning.

EB: i’m not allowed to open it till i’ve done my AS mocks.

EB: but i’m asking everyone to feel it to see if they can guess what’s inside!

CG: ………

CG: JOHN, IT’S VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU GO AND FIND ME THE VODKA RIGHT NOW.

EB: oh… okay!

EB: hang in there buddy! look, you can see from the scum line that the vomit level’s going down! 

>ESCAPE INTO FANTASY DREAM SEQUENCE 

>INVESTIGATE SUSPICIOUS NOISES COMING FROM THE KITCHEN

You’re no good at chatting up and you always get rebuffed. Enough to drive a man to drink, you don’t do no washing up. You always leave the stuff piled up, a-piled up in the sink. 

But you will always find you in the kitchen at parties. 

> YOU DON’T DO NO WASHING UP, BUT SADLY YOUR ACTIVITIES ARE CURRENTLY SINK RELATED

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